Blame-Free Living

I talked to a woman yesterday who's getting a divorce from her husband of 24 years. They've raised two sons, been in business together and have had what most would call a successful marriage. Until now. Now, for certain good reasons, they are getting divorced. And it's one of those nasty ones.

She talked about regretting the many compromises she made during her marriage. She felt as if she had betrayed herself by saying yes when she wanted to say no. I've heard this before from women who've gotten divorced and I said it myself during my first divorce. We get mad at ourselves for making compromises in order to keep our marriages going. It always looks like a bad idea after the fact. But what about during? Is it okay to make compromises or not?

This extends to living life in genera. I think it's a nice idea -- but only an idea -- that one can have a relationship or live life without compromises. If you think you don't make any compromises, you're kidding yourself. A small example: You want to go to the movies on Saturday and your mate wants to go hiking. So which do you do? It's a negotiation where neither will get exactly what he or she wants, but there is a payoff. It might look like you're sacrificing your movie, but what you get is a day with your mate. Not a bad bargain (assuming you like to be with your mate).

Of course there are bigger sacrifices we make in life. These are a bit trickier to deal with after the fact. The best and quickest route is to refrain from judging yourself or blaming anyone else for the sacrifices you make. There should be some kind of blame-free zone. Living life is hard enough without self-judgment and blame. And it's a lot harder to move on when you blame or judge. You did what you did based on the best information you had and so did the other person. Let go of the past. Have compassion for yourself. And learn what you need to learn.

The real question is, what are you going to do now?