Authenticity

I talked to a man tonight who told me that what he wanted most was to be authentic. That was the word he used. He said he'd worked on himself in the past in order to be more loved by people, but he didn't want to do that anymore. He wanted to be authentic.

Merriam-Webster Dictionary says authentic means real, actual, genuine, not false or imitation.

That's what I want, too. I want to be real, actual, genuine, not false or imitation. And I could say that is what's happening to me on the spiritual path. I am shedding the false and finding -- buried underneath -- the authentic. The Real Susan. That is so corny, but just as true. (Sometimes things are corny because they're true.)

But I didn't start my path thinking I wanted to be authentic. I thought I already was pretty authentic. I'd taken a lot of courses to get more authentic: est, More University, Programs of the Heart, etc. I was getting stronger and more satisfied with myself. What could be better than that?

One thing was missing, though, missing like a chicken with his head cut off. And that was any mention of a power greater than myself: GOD. So all the work I was doing was standing on top of a rickety platform called Me. Or as Jesus would say, I was building my house on sand.

I don't think you can be authentic without God's help. You just can't find your Self without Him. The best it gets is a really good imitation of authenticity, but an imitation nevertheless.

We're getting perilously close to a discussion of the the True Self. I'm not sure I'm up to that right now, but suffice it to say, your True Self is the authentic You which actually resembles a drop of water from the ocean (God being the ocean) more than it resembles your image in the mirror. The You you think you are is not the True You. This is good news and bad news.

Good news: When you're mean or nasty or stupid, that is not who you really are.

Bad news: When you're helpful, kind and loving (but only when you feel like it) that isn't who you really are either.

So that leaves a big whopping question: "Then who am I?"

Hence spiritual work. Hence prayer. Hence the search that never stops until you die. Hence the need for trust and faith.

I'm at a point in my spiritual work where all I can see is what I'm not. As denial falls away, so does my good opinion of myself and my motives. I see how I look out for myself first. How I want what I want with no consideration of what someone else might need. How I get irritable with my husband and think it's his fault I feel that way. If only he would stop doing that thing...And it's uglier than that, what I see.

I've gotten glimpses of my True Self in the Miracle of Love Seminar and in meditations sometimes. It's not easy to describe the feeling, but it's like God wanting me to dance with Him SO BAD, and all I want to do is dance -- LET ME OUT ON THE FLOOR! I'm sexy and passionate and full of energy and so happy I think I might die, but I don't care. My True Self doesn't care about anything I usually care about. Doesn't care if its hair looks bad, doesn't care if its butt looks big, doesn't care if anyone is laughing. It thinks everyone is laughing with it, not at it. It is a connection with life force, but without the material component. Purely spiritual, but also in a body.

As I sit here typing I feel like I'm reporting on another world that I've visited. Gourasana says it's the True Realm of Existence. If it is, then I want to go there for always. But first I must relinquish who I think I am and these things I think I have.

So it boils down to: If you want authenticity, then Let Go. Yikes.

Simple, but not easy.

Thank you for listening. I'd love to hear what you think.