Gourasana & Spam

I've been watching an HBO series where the main character can read people's minds. One thing Gourasana said was that most of what's in our minds is garbage and I'm sure the character in this TV series would agree. What she hears in people's minds are harsh judgments about others, evil schemes and lust. Last episode she heard a generous, kind thought in someone's mind and it was so unusual, she hugged him in delight.

Can you imagine being able to read someone's mind and finding out what she REALLY thinks about you? Personally, I'd rather not know. But maybe if we could read each other's minds we could all quit pretending to be nice and polite. This might be a relief.

The reason I'm bringing this up is because I've been noticing how busy my mind stays trying to keep me out of trouble. It's like a policeman, my mom and some warped version of a wrathful God all rolled into one. Maybe your mind has this kind of characteristic, too. The main motive of my mind seems to be pain avoidance. The strategies go like this:

1. Sense criticism before it happens and criticize myself first. Like when I baked chicken yesterday and it was a little dry. Before anyone takes a mouthful, I want to say, "Well, I sort of overcooked the chicken."

2. Think of something funny or clever when there is a threat of pain. I mean some of the stuff I come up with is really funny. I crack myself up.

3. Judge myself or someone else.

4. Entertain negative thoughts.

5. Think I will fail anyway and get discouraged.

I am sophisticated enough to usually refrain from saying these things out loud. Even with the chicken, I forced myself to not make the disclaimer. However, keeping all or most of this off audio is not a guarantee that no one will be able to "read my mind." People can't really read my mind I know, but they can often feel these thoughts I'm having. The thoughts parade across my face or have me hold my body in a certain way or be really quiet and people can guess that something's up.

Here's the bad news. The mind is like a computer receiving spam all day. Occasionally you can use some of that stuff, but mostly it is just, well, spam. You didn't ask for it, you can't stop it and it clogs up your brain.

Here's the good news. Another teaching of Gourasana: "The only solution to the problem is to go deeper." Meaning, in this case, you can't trust your mind, but you can go deeper than your mind. Best way to do that is to do the Modern Day Meditation which includes screaming into a towel, crying and dancing to release emotions and open up. Then you can calm and find a deeper place to contemplate things from. You can tap into divine intelligence which beats the heck out of spam.

Hopefully at some point it is possible to turn off the mind completely and reside in that deeper place. But until that happens, I'm going to follow a practice Kalindi taught and observe without judgment how my mind operates. Maybe I'll write about this practice tomorrow night.

For now, I just want you to know that I know what you're thinking. So don't try any funny stuff.

Have a nice evening.

Getting Home

I'm home now in Munich, Germany. A month ago I was home in Zurich, Switzerland. A year before that it was Denver, Colorado. And a year before that it was San Diego. So, I wonder where my home really is and how do I get there?

Here are some wise quotes about home:

• Home is not where you live, but where they understand you. -- Christian Morganstern

• Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in. -- Robert Frost

• Every day is a journey, and the journey itself is home. -- Matsuo Basho

My life goes most like the Matsuo Basho quote. I don't think of home as a physical location. It changes too often. I would guess that kids raised in the military have a similar feeling. And it's common knowledge that you can't go "back home," so home must be something in front of you or some state of mind in the present moment. It's surely not a location in the material world.

Then there's this from a U2 song:

Home...hard to know what it is if you've never had one.

Home...I can't say where it is, but I know I'm going home.

That's where the hurt is.

We'll get back to U2 in a minute. First, though, what does Kalindi say? Always a wise question. She talks about your true Home with a capital H. This from Kalindi:

The road is rocky along the journey and the doorway to your true Home is narrow, but it is there. The doorway is open when you choose to come Home. When you are no longer satisfied with the false hopes and dreams of material existence, begin your conscious prayer to find the doorway out of this material world. Desire is everything. When your full desire is to return Home, God will help you do so, though you must endeavor 100% as He graces you with light to show the way.

• "Home is where the hurt is," U2 says. I think it's true that to get Home you must travel through hurt and pain. It's painful to realize how many false hopes and dreams you've had: happiness, the perfect marriage, the perfect children, beautiful home. When this material world ceases to satisfy you, then you really start to desire Home.

• The road to Home is rocky and the doorway is narrow. Therefore you have to get rid of most of your baggage to get there and the rest of your baggage to be able to get in the door when you arrive. If you've ever tried to travel lugging a big, heavy suitcase along, you know what it's like. When I was 11 my family went on a car trip from Oklahoma to California. Dad strapped our 4 or 5 suitcases on top of the green Chevy station wagon. Every night when we stopped to camp he'd get the suitcases down and every morning he'd strap them back on the roof. At some point while we were driving through Arizona, two of our suitcases flew off the top of the car. We never figured out when it happened, but we lived without those suitcases for the rest of the trip. And dad's job got a lot easier. Two less suitcases to get off the car each night. I think that's how it is when you are going Home. You go fast and baggage falls away and you don't really know when it happened, but you live without that stuff just fine.

• You can find the doorway through prayer. There is no roadmap, so forget about it. But God is like a GPS. You have to install the GPS and then do what it says or you're lost.

• Desire is everything. If you want to go Home badly enough and you don't give up, then you'll get there. This is the best news ever.

• And when you get there, Kalindi says, the door is open. You don't even need to have a key. It's like in the old days when we didn't have to lock our doors at night. We didn't lock our cars either, no alarm systems at all. Home is like that. You get there after a long journey, and you walk right in like you own the place.

Happy trails to you.

Every Single Soul

Every single soul is the most precious gem. No matter how lost you feel, no matter how sinful you feel, underneath everything that separates you from God -- from your love for Him and His love for you -- you are and always will be the most precious one to God. Nothing can change that.

-- Kalindi G.

I love this quote because it is definite -- there are no exceptions. You are the most precious gem. I am the most precious gem, too, and so is your boss and your ex and, well, everyone. And nothing can change that, even when we are hateful or make a mistake or have bad thoughts. Nothing.

This violates the standard "wisdom" of our culture. Somehow it seems fair that someone who does good things should be a more precious gem to God than someone who does bad things. But not so for God. I don't think He cares about the standard "wisdom."

So, this being true, why do good things? Why not do whatever you want whenever you want to?

God doesn't control us. He gave us free will, didn't He? He only loves us, no matter what. For me, knowing that unwinds a lot of internal tension. I don't have to "behave." I don't have to do anything. What I am attracted to do, however, is to find out more about God and this love that includes everything and is unconditional. I want to know that kind of love. And I want to give that kind of love.

Moving toward God -- if you can remove all the language weirdness and what does God mean anyway -- is the only sane thing to do. Gourasana says everyone is moving toward God, so that solves that. It becomes a matter of how fast you move. So that is the question: Do you want to move faster toward God? If so, what are you doing to move faster?

I leave you with those questions and wish you a good night.

Wild Women

I am part of a group called the Wild Women. We are represented well by this photo of the Wild Women of Wongo, only we are from Ponca City, Oklahoma, so we would be "The Wild Women of Ponco" I guess.

We met each other as far back as elementary school and all went to the one high school in Ponca City and graduated in the same class. Back then we were not known as wild women because our wildness had not yet developed and ripened. But when we met again at the 20th high school reunion, we found ourselves dancing with crazed abandon, laughing hysterically at things no one else seemed to find funny and generally making a scene. It was just too much fun and so we decided to start meeting once a year.

This year will be our 20th annual Wild Women's gathering. We've met in L.A., San Diego, Beaver Lake (!), Tulsa, Dallas, Austin and many other places of renown. The first couple years we entertained ourselves publicly by pretending we were spokesmodels and privately by making outrageous phone calls to past high school boyfriends. "Guess who this is?" (Don't knock it 'til you've done it.)

As we've mellowed with the years (growing ever more beautiful and sexy) we've talked each other through divorces, cancer, marriages, affairs, death of parents, parents with Alzheimer's and strokes, and sometimes dangerous antics of our children. At our gatherings nowadays, we might have a martini or two, always have at least one divine meal somewhere, and talk almost non-stop about almost everything. I love these women. We were sex and the city before there was a Sex and the City.

Now I live in Switzerland which has proven a bridge too far for the Wild Women to manage. That makes me an ex-officio member I guess. I joined last year's gathering by Skype from Zurich at 2:00 a.m. but it wasn't the same.

The point of all this is that you just never know. For example, you don't know who you might run into at a boring-type of function who might become your lifelong wild woman friend. You don't know what will happen to you in this coming year and even if you will live through this year. Odds are you will, but you never know. You can't predict what someone might say to you tomorrow quite innocently, that will change your life forever.

We think life is ho-hum and predictable, but I would say that it most certainly is not. Predictable is the same as safe which is kind of the same as dead. Okay, maybe not the same as dead, but certainly no longer alive. Maybe more like a vampire. They are alive, but also dead. Gross.

How did I get onto vampires from talking about wild women? Maybe it's time to say good night. I think I've made my point and there's no reason to belabor it.

Crash Course in the Modern-Day Meditation Practice

The great thing about the Modern-Day Meditation practice is that it's designed for you and me instead of for a yogi or monk. Well, unless you happen to be a yogi or a monk, but then you have your own meditation practice, right?

The best news is that with this practice, you don't have to sit still and stop your thoughts. I mean, that's good if you can do it, but personally I was never good at stopping thoughts at all or sitting still for longer than 2 minutes.

You start this practice as you are -- in whatever mood you're in, peaceful or not. And if music moves you, you're in luck, because music is an important part of this practice. It is used to help you to open up, feel whatever you're feeling and let go into a deeper place.

Here is your crash course in the Modern-Day Meditation Practice:

#1 Get started

• Start the meditation sitting up.

• Put on some music that makes you cry or feel intense. Something by James Blunt or Jonas or even Billy Idol.

#2 Open your heart & emotions for 20 minutes

• Feel your unfulfilled desires and dreams. Remember times when you felt deeply, maybe felt sad or in despair or angry and let that soften your heart.

• Get up and dance or pace back and forth. Put on the music that helps you get into it. Shake your body, shake your head. Jump up and down. Scream into a towel. Have a hissy fit if you want to.

• Do all this without disturbing your spouse, roommates, kids, parents.

#3 Calm down for 10 minutes

• Put on soft, calming music and sit up.

• It should feel natural after opening up that you would just be calm.

#4 Think for 10 minutes

• Get out pad and paper.

• Focus on a question you need an answer to. (What kind of car should I buy? How do I deal with my kids? What is my next step?)

• Ask more questions about that subject, look at it from all angles and let answers come.

• Write down the good stuff.

#5 Take action

Last step is to put into action the answers you got. Your life will start to move in a more consciously determined manner (instead of haphazardly) and you'll be able to achieve the things you've always wanted to. IT WORKS!

Then, if you dare, meditate several times a week, for 45 minutes or for whatever amount of time you have. I say "if you dare" because your life will start to pick up momentum and you'll start to get what you want. No more reasons why not.

You can check out this website for more info about the meditation:

http://www.moderndaymeditation.info

Happy meditating!

Hard Times

I'm having a hard time. Never mind what about. If I'd told you a week ago I was having a hard time, it would have been about something entirely different. Hard times are a dime a dozen (which means they're cheap and plentiful).

So the story about how to deal with hards times on the spiritual path is a short one. All you have to do is make your transformation big enough to include whatever the hard time is.

Then do your work, of course, but don't worry about it. Hard times are what prove you. Hard times make it real instead of theoretical. Hard times force you to be bigger than they are. And never give up.

I feel better already. :-)

God & Blogs

I wish I had something very profound to say tonight.

This is my ego talking.

The things I can think to write about are stupid.

This is my unworthiness talking.

But all is not lost!! :-))

This is my personality talking.

When are you going to turn out the light? This my roommate talking.

If my ego, unworthiness, personality and roommate could get together to write a really funny blog that was only slightly depressing, I'd be happy. Or perhaps God is writing my blog tonight and I can just go to sleep. I've been writing about God a lot lately. Maybe He can write about me tonight. Wait. That might not be a good idea. He might say anything or blurt out some secrets I wasn't prepared to tell you tonight. We had some deep, dark secrets come out in meditation tonight and even though God swore that he'd keep them confidential, writing the blog might be too big a temptation.

My mind is blown. Have you ever had your mind blown? Have you ever had your mind blown and then tried to write a blog? Well, don't try it. You see where it's gotten me. Let that be a lesson to you. Don't make the same mistakes other unwise bloggers have made.

Ending Quiz

1. "This is by far the stupidest blog you've ever written." Who said this:

a. the ego

b. the personality

c. unworthiness

d. my roommate

2. "You should delete this blog this second!"

a. the ego

b. the personality

c. unworthiness

d. my mother's voice in my head

That's enough questions for tonight. You can leave a comment with the right answers and we will go over the test tomorrow night....or not.

Thank you for being with us tonight and sleep well.

Why Kalindi G.?

Even if spiritual masters are not your cup of tea, you can appreciate them for what they bring to the world. It's not like when you're a little girl or boy you dream of being a spiritual master. It's not exactly the most popular or well-paid profession. And the kind of notoriety you get (if you get any notoriety) is not the type your mother brags about at bridge club. So you might wonder why someone would become a spiritual master.

Here's my theory. Being a spiritual master is something that happens to you, not something you seek or work toward. You just get to a point in your own spiritual development where others start to listen to what you say. They want to know how you got where you are. Simple.

Kalindi G., my own spiritual master, is like no other spiritual master. Why? Here are three of the reasons:

1. She is "different" and flamboyant. Each time you see her she looks different. She wears feather boas and pink silk pajamas one time, a red business suit the next, all white the next time. She wears wild jewelry, sometimes a ring on every finger, sometimes big jewels of many colors around her neck. Kalindi completely expresses herself on every occasion. She is not bound by conventional rules about what a spiritual master should look like or act like. I find this incredibly refreshing and recognize the truth in it. She teaches about the glory of change and she lives her teaching.

2. She is outrageous and she is who she says she is. Kalindi says she is the voice of God and spiritual master for the world. She says things like this, and then, at the same time, steps out of the way and points you to God. Always God. She says God is all there is and the only way you can become free is by going within and finding the truth for yourself. To me that sounds like something the voice of God would say. During the 15 years I have known Kalindi, I have raised my eyebrows more than once at things she's said or claims she's made. But every time, she ended up being right. So I know she is who she says she is.

3. She tells it straight and makes her teachings widely available. Kalindi doesn't dress things up so they are easier to hear. She doesn't decide things like that -- or anything else -- by material standards. She is brilliant in her simplicity and innocence and complete faith in God. She has books and audio and video recordings of her teachings. She doesn't water things down so everyone will like it. The truth is the truth and, as she teaches, the truth is ever-changing.

Even if Kalindi doesn't fit your pictures of what a master should be like or rather, because she doesn't fit your pictures, you owe it to yourself to be with her if you get the chance. She will blow your mind and take you deep into the heart of God. You won't know what happened to you, but you will find yourself different.

Come fall in love with Kalindi G.

Click on these links to see her You Tube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ulJZlAFYBhs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xN5a03lfPlE&feature=related

On Being Afraid

I've been afraid lately. Afraid of the future, of what might be asked of me, of failure. I'm not talking about fear of something real, like a grizzly bear running toward you in the forest or getting robbed at gunpoint. I'm talking about fear of something that isn't even real.

Here's how fear works. One minute I'm doing just fine, then I have a scary thought (like, I have to let go of all my attachments right now) and - POW! - I stop in my tracks.

A wise teacher recently told me, "Grasshopper, fear is like a balloon. It is full of hot air and it can be popped easily." Okay, she didn't really call me Grasshopper, but she did say the other stuff. Well, she didn't say the part about being full of hot air, I added that. But she definitely said the part about the balloon and it being popped. Here is my commentary on what she said.

Fear is tricky because in the moment you think it's real, like a warning from some reputable source. But fear (when there's no bear and no gun) is more like balloon Snoopy in the Rose Bowl Parade. Imagine you're standing in Los Angeles one January morning minding your own business and all of a sudden you get a weird feeling and look behind you and you see GIANT SNOOPY. In that moment you would be scared. But then, one second later, you would say, "Hey, that's just balloon Snoopy. If I had a pin I could demolish him. One pin prick would do it.

Well, that's how fear gets you and that's how you can respond to fear. Remember that you have a pin (called your awareness) and you can demolish it. So this is what I'm doing now in response to fear.

I'll end with some quotes:

From Kalindi G.: "Don't let the fear stop you."

From Ralph Waldo Emerson: "Always do what you're afraid to do."

Thank you and good night.

God Doesn't Fit

How come God doesn't fit in this world?

If I wrote this blog post about God, would you be interested in reading it? Wouldn't you rather read about tsunamis, earthquakes, Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie or the iPad? Be honest. And if you're walking downtown and some guy is preaching about God on the street corner, don't you want to cross to the other side rather than walk by him?

God doesn't sell magazines. God, I'm sorry to say, seems to bore the average person.

On the other hand, you have the people who give their entire lives to God because they find Him so compelling. But these people, by common agreement, are considered to be cult members, born-again Christians or possibly monks. And everyone is afraid of cults, born-again Christians and the Catholic Church. So even the people who find God compelling don't fit in this world. It's a sorry state of affairs, as my Mom would say.

I'm one of those people who find God compelling as well as mysterious, endlessly fascinating and worth pursuing. I didn't used to be such a person, but I am now. Maybe you are one of those people, too. For me it took doing the Miracle of Love Seminar where I learned to meditate so deeply that I experienced God for myself. I talked to Him and heard Him. That turned my head around. No newspaper article about God would have done it.

One of the things that I learned in the Seminar was that there's a force called the illusion that basically owns this place, causes suffering and doesn't easily give room to God. This is a teaching of Gourasana. Gourasana also said that God created the illusion, so you can see there's more to the story than meets the eye. God created a place where He is not welcome.

Why would God do that? That's an interesting philosophical question. But the bottom line is, that you should not expect to get any awards or recognition for giving your life to God. You'll get plenty of wary and worried looks, but very little encouragement.

So why do people give their lives to God? I think that's the best question of all. But if one hasn't experienced God, really experienced Him beyond a shadow of a doubt, you can't make her understand why you would do it. It's like telling someone about what it's like to give birth compared to her experiencing the act of giving birth. One can't really get it until one experiences it herself.

Anyway, we're all moving closer to God even if we aren't aware of it. But if you know someone who wants to move faster, who would like to experience God beyond a shadow of a doubt, send him to the Miracle of Love Seminar. Or you can send him somewhere If you know of a better place. I don't know of any place better than the Seminar. It's only 3 1/2 days long, for heaven's sake, and it allows for an experience of God that will change one's life forever.

Pursuing God is the biggest adventure in this world. But don't tell the newspapers. :-)

Positive Attitude

I was feeling sorry for myself tonight. Never mind why....oh, okay, I'll tell you. I'm under pressure, my neck hurts, things keep changing, my mind is spinning and my husband's one country away right now. All that adds up to Poor Me. I was meditating when I realized this and so I let myself cry for a minute. Well, two minutes maybe.

What occurred to me after two (very satisfying) minutes of tearfulness, is that I am actually exactly where I should be, doing exactly what I should be doing, for exactly the right reasons. And furthermore, I asked to be here. So how is it that I could -- even for a short time -- be a victim to my situation?

It's a trick, an illusion, to have this boo-hoo-negative-Poor-Me interpretation of your life. Or I should say, my life. I happen to be in a pretty intense spiritual transformation situation at the moment, but I've had this same interpretation of life during more "regular" times. So, can't blame it on spiritual transformation.

Well anyway, we're not going to blame it on anything. The point is, it's best to have a positive attitude about your life. Then you can carry on or change things if needed. Or at least be good company for others.

Here's what I DON'T mean by having a good attitude:

• Richard Simmons' persona, also known as toxic cheerleader syndrome (see above)

• Julie Andrews in the Sound of Music bursting into song at the slightest provocation

• Repeating positive affirmations when what you really feel is just the opposite

Here's what I DO mean by having a good attitude:

• Noticing if there's any self-judgment, discouragement and negative thinking going on.

• Kicking out the self-judgment, discouragement and negative thinking. They aren't real.

• Considering what you've been praying for and if you're actually getting it. You probably are.

• Letting your face relax into a smile, because it's pretty funny to be upset about getting what you asked for OR

• Resolving to change your prayer (ask for something different) if necessary.

I'm not going to change my prayer, except to intensify it. I trust that God is bringing me closer to Him through all of this. And it's good that my mind is spinning. It's been running the show for too long. And I'm sure I'll see my husband soon enough...

Here's an ancient proverb that I like:

To everyone is given the key to heaven; the same key opens the gates of hell.

I wish you a good day and a good attitude.

All Is Not Lost

My daughters are 26 and 29 years old. They are beautiful, bright, deep women. People love them. I love them. And they love and appreciate me as their mother, probably more than I deserve.

But they each have complaints about the way I raised them. This is normal, right? One complaint they are in agreement about is that I never taught them how to put on make-up. This was a hinderance to them in some way I don't fully understand, but I believe them. And it is true. I did not teach them how to put on make-up. Not because I was hiding the secrets of mascara, eye shadow and lipstick from them, but because I did not wear make-up myself. Okay, I'll just say it: I was a hippie-type mom. I gave birth to the girls at home, made their baby food from scratch and was a vegetarian. (Their father was patient and supportive about all this. Though a good father, he didn't teach them how to put on make-up either.)

Now fast forward 29 years. Both of my daughters are Mary Kay reps. What this means is that they are uniquely qualified to not only look astoundingly beautiful themselves (they are astoundingly beautiful without make-up, too), but also to teach other women how to be beautiful. They have taught ME how to put on make-up. I even have 3 different "looks" and I wear make-up now every day. The girls are, through the magic of Mary Kay cosmetics, even reducing the number of wrinkles I have on my face. I think they are going to help me soon to get rid of cellulite as well.

The moral of this story is that even if you fall short in some way as a parent (which you are bound to do if you're human), all is not lost. The children get what they need despite -- or because of -- your shortcomings. You give to your children by reaching out your hands to them and by not reaching out. God's plan carries through in any case.

I'm not saying that God specifically wanted my girls to work for Mary Kay, but who knows what His plan is? The point is, they got what they needed and wanted. And probably got it way more than they would have if I'd have tried to teach them make-up when they were little.

I'll end with a quote I like very much from Gourasana about raising kids:

The children can move very quickly. Teach them the truth. Show them the truth. Show them what is not the truth. Let them remain free. Do not make the mistake of so many parents who say, "You must do this." When you give an absolute, first examine it for yourself and see if it is in fact something they "must do." You will see that most of the rules and regulations are coming from an illusion.

Thank you for listening.

What if...then who?

• What if all your thoughts, opinions, random insights, solutions and ideas were just a hat you wore?

• What if all your feelings of sadness, neediness, hurt, despair, excitement, anger were just a coat your wore?

• What if your arrogance, unworthiness, fear, defensiveness and protection were just shoes you wore?

• What if you took off your hat, coat and shoes when you got home?

• And then what if you unzipped your body down the front and it fell away?

Who would you be?

Authenticity

I talked to a man tonight who told me that what he wanted most was to be authentic. That was the word he used. He said he'd worked on himself in the past in order to be more loved by people, but he didn't want to do that anymore. He wanted to be authentic.

Merriam-Webster Dictionary says authentic means real, actual, genuine, not false or imitation.

That's what I want, too. I want to be real, actual, genuine, not false or imitation. And I could say that is what's happening to me on the spiritual path. I am shedding the false and finding -- buried underneath -- the authentic. The Real Susan. That is so corny, but just as true. (Sometimes things are corny because they're true.)

But I didn't start my path thinking I wanted to be authentic. I thought I already was pretty authentic. I'd taken a lot of courses to get more authentic: est, More University, Programs of the Heart, etc. I was getting stronger and more satisfied with myself. What could be better than that?

One thing was missing, though, missing like a chicken with his head cut off. And that was any mention of a power greater than myself: GOD. So all the work I was doing was standing on top of a rickety platform called Me. Or as Jesus would say, I was building my house on sand.

I don't think you can be authentic without God's help. You just can't find your Self without Him. The best it gets is a really good imitation of authenticity, but an imitation nevertheless.

We're getting perilously close to a discussion of the the True Self. I'm not sure I'm up to that right now, but suffice it to say, your True Self is the authentic You which actually resembles a drop of water from the ocean (God being the ocean) more than it resembles your image in the mirror. The You you think you are is not the True You. This is good news and bad news.

Good news: When you're mean or nasty or stupid, that is not who you really are.

Bad news: When you're helpful, kind and loving (but only when you feel like it) that isn't who you really are either.

So that leaves a big whopping question: "Then who am I?"

Hence spiritual work. Hence prayer. Hence the search that never stops until you die. Hence the need for trust and faith.

I'm at a point in my spiritual work where all I can see is what I'm not. As denial falls away, so does my good opinion of myself and my motives. I see how I look out for myself first. How I want what I want with no consideration of what someone else might need. How I get irritable with my husband and think it's his fault I feel that way. If only he would stop doing that thing...And it's uglier than that, what I see.

I've gotten glimpses of my True Self in the Miracle of Love Seminar and in meditations sometimes. It's not easy to describe the feeling, but it's like God wanting me to dance with Him SO BAD, and all I want to do is dance -- LET ME OUT ON THE FLOOR! I'm sexy and passionate and full of energy and so happy I think I might die, but I don't care. My True Self doesn't care about anything I usually care about. Doesn't care if its hair looks bad, doesn't care if its butt looks big, doesn't care if anyone is laughing. It thinks everyone is laughing with it, not at it. It is a connection with life force, but without the material component. Purely spiritual, but also in a body.

As I sit here typing I feel like I'm reporting on another world that I've visited. Gourasana says it's the True Realm of Existence. If it is, then I want to go there for always. But first I must relinquish who I think I am and these things I think I have.

So it boils down to: If you want authenticity, then Let Go. Yikes.

Simple, but not easy.

Thank you for listening. I'd love to hear what you think.

When to Meditate

To meditate is good. This is a well-known fact. If you meditate, you will be calmer,more peaceful, able to think more clearly, and not so stressed. You'll probably live longer, too, but who can really prove that? These are some of the more popular advantages.

The downside of meditation is that you have to make the time to do it. There, I said it. Why aren't we all meditating all the time if it's so doggone good? Because we're busy, that's why. We're busy making money, eating out, going to the movies, watching TV and things like that.

And another thing, it's a drag to feel guilty about not meditating or meditating enough. I'd like to have a Euro for every time I've heard meditators say, "I should meditate more." I don't think the inventors of meditation meant for it to be used as a reason to feel guilty or as a "should." We have plenty of reasons to feel guilty and more than enough "shoulds" without it.

So the question becomes, when do you meditate? How do you fit it into your busy life?

The meditation I practice is the Modern Day Meditation which is a very powerful practice. The thing about this meditation is that it takes you deeper into the truth. And when you go deeper into the truth, anything can happen. This is not the kind of truth that you swear on the Bible to tell. This is the Truth with a capital T. It doesn't follow any rules or regulations. It does not conform to societal norms. The Truth is the Truth and it doesn't care if you like it or not. There's no "spin" in the Truth. So getting down into that can be an exciting ride into the unknown. The unknown, as in where God resides.

So once you start to meditate and touch into the Truth, you will find your way to meditate more often in self-defense. Your life will change in an extraordinary, but not always fun, way and you'll need to keep meditating to find out what needs to happen next.

So the answer to the question about when to meditate is: Now. Or if not now, then as soon as you can sit in your car (not while driving) or on your bed or in a meditation center somewhere. Just sit down, put on the music that moves you and meditate.

Check out www.moderndaymeditation.info to learn more about the Modern Day Meditation.

Meeting Kalindi G.

I've mentioned Kalindi G. in my past posts, but not really said much about her yet. I'd like to tell you how I met Kalindi and then how I found out she was my spiritual master.

I was 43 when I did the Miracle of Love Seminar the first time. I didn't know who Kalindi was, but I had heard her voice on an audio taped invitation to the Seminar. At my Seminar, Kalindi showed up on one of the final days and that's when I first met her in person. I thought she was strange in a very cool way.

In the Seminar I had felt things about myself and my life that I'd never imagined before. Like how pissed off I was, how arrogant and cold-hearted I had been to so many people. I had always thought of myself as a very nice person, so you can imagine my surprise. When denial lifts, what you see is not pretty. If it were pretty, there'd be no need for denial, right?

I also found out at the Seminar that through vigorous meditation and deep prayer, I could let go of a lot of the anger, arrogance and cold-heartedness. By the end of the Seminar, I was dancing ecstatically in the truest expression of myself I'd ever experienced. I didn't know myself, but I was happy to meet me. I'll never forget that, even though now I've had many more experiences of that true part that is so free.

After the Seminar I went to meditations with Miracle of Love in my community. We also had visits sometimes from leaders. I continued to change and I liked it very much.

Now this is the part about how I knew Kalindi was my spiritual master. Several years later I was at an event Kalindi led in San Diego. I remember at one point I was on the floor meditating in the big, dark meditation room at Ponderosa Avenue. Kalindi was sitting in a white, wingback chair not too far from me, leading the meditation. Intense music was playing and I was listening to Kalindi's voice as I went deeper. In one moment I was just meditating and listening to Kalindi. In the next moment I heard Kalindi's voice from inside me instead of outside me. I had the oddest sensation that she was in my blood and I knew then that I'd known her forever. At that moment I knew, without a doubt, that Kalindi was my spiritual master.

I never thought that I wanted a spiritual master. I didn't think I was looking for one. And yet, I found Kalindi. Maybe she found me. Thank God for that.

Being Alone

I like to spend time alone. Here are reasons I like to be alone:

• All the stuff that's been said to me during the day can sink in

• I can stare off into space, cry or fart and no one comments

• I am not affected by the emotions of others

• I can talk to myself out loud

• No one looks at me

• No one bugs me

I want to elaborate on the last reason: "No one bugs me." I have 3 brothers and 1 sister. Our usual refrain when we were kids was, "Philip's bugging me!" Philip is one of my younger brothers and he took great delight in annoying us. He'd poke us or stare at us or sit too close. Anything to get a rise out of us. Now he's an Environmental Compliance Manager in Kansas and he bugs people who make the environment toxic. Good use of his natural skills, I would say. He's also a very talented writer who can make you laugh about almost anything. But the point is, there was a lot of bugging going on when I was a kid. So I know bugging.

Now I'm in spiritual work and my purpose is to let go of my ego, false self and other illusory ways of being. Letting go gives God more room to be and that's what I want. Trying to let of ego is no small task. You need help because you can't see it; it feels like YOU, not like your ego. If you're lucky, you are in a situation where you can get a lot of help from others who are doing the same work. The fastest way to let go of the ego is to see it as something different than your Self. To do that you, like me, want to invite people to point out to you what you do that is driven by ego. So basically that is everything you do -- especially if you're me. I admit it. But sometimes I just need a break from the help. I even need to let my own mind calm down and stop bugging me.

Sometimes it seems like the amount of time I like to spend alone keeps increasing. Hmmm...suspicious. At this rate, I will be a hermit by the age of 65. I'll have to move to the Jura Mountains in Switzerland and live in some remote cul-de-sac. Me and my ego. Okay, that doesn't sound so inviting. Sorry I mentioned it.

But still. It is okay, Susan, to take a break. This work is difficult. Luckily God helps and His Grace is free-flowing. Luckily I can see progress in myself. Luckily I have a spiritual master and am in the company of many seekers who are devoted to their own freedom as am I. Luckily it's okay to take a break.

Thank you and I'm signing off now. Don't bug me. :-)

We Fear Change

Change is good. No, let me change that to: Change is good for you.

If things didn't change, you'd still be playing with building blocks and wearing diapers. (Hopefully you're not wearing diapers.) You probably agree with me about change in theory at least, but, like me, you probably still fear change.

In the spiritual work I'm doing, change is essential. I'm talking about deliberate change where you break old habits and shake things up on purpose. Change is essential for waking up spiritually speaking, so I try to change often. You can see in the photo how much I've changed since I moved to Europe.

And right now as we speak, I'm changing my hair (it's growing out). I've changed my home base to Munich for a month or so. That means I live in a different house with different people who speak a different language. Oh yes, and I pay for things with different currency, Euros instead of Swiss francs.

Kalindi talks about THE GLORY OF CHANGE. I think the glory comes from letting go of old ways which keeps you fresh and alive. When you're changing something major, you know you are not dead. You may feel crappy, irritable and scared, but you are definitely alive. And when you are changing, you're moving into the unknown and letting go of control. God is in favor of that, I think, because in the unknown, you need Him more. And when you let go, He can take you. Now that's glorious!

Of course none of this changes the fact that we fear change.

But you don't let the fear stop you, right?

Wishing you many wonderful changes...

Soul Prayers

Now I lay me down to sleep.

I pray the Lord my soul to keep.

If I should die before I wake,

I pray the Lord my soul to take.

This was my nighttime prayer from when I was 6 until I was about 8. I prayed it every night and at the end of the prayer, I always blessed people. "God bless Mommy and Daddy and Jill and Phil and Jay and David and my cat..." My list of people to bless got longer and longer as I got older until eventually I would fall asleep still blessing people, cats and dogs. I think that what kept me praying all those years was that third line in the "Now I lay me down" prayer. WHAT DO YOU MEAN, 'IF I SHOULD DIE BEFORE I WAKE???' This was a deeply disconcerting notion for me at the age of 6. Seemed unfair and uncalled for that a kid, such as myself, might die before she wakes.

This was my first experience with prayer. Not altogether unsuccessful -- I never did die before I woke up, so that was good. Even when I stopped saying the prayer every night, I still did not die before I woke up. Whew.

I gave up prayer after that for many years. Now I'm a pray-er and I would like to stand on the street corner and ask people if they pray. I think it would be interesting to know (a) if someone prays and (b) what she prays for or about. Actually it would probably not be that interesting because when you get stopped on a busy street by a stranger asking you a weird question, you are probably not going to say the personal deep kind of stuff.

I'll tell you my answers, though: (a) yes, (b) I'm not always sure.

Prayers come in at least 4 varieties. First, the "Now I Lay Me Down" kind of prayer that is repeated as a good luck charm. You hear these prayers spoken from memory in churches on Sunday morning.

Second, there are the desperate "Oh my God, save me!" prayers which are cried out in dire moments when all seems lost. These are dramatic prayers and surely carry a lot of weight with God, however they are said only in dire moments and most people don't have that many dire moments. When the moment has passed and God has answered the prayer however He did, the person thinks something like, "Whew, that was close. Now I can get back to my regular life."

The third kind of prayer is the sincere kind that good (and bad) people pray to keep God on their side, urge Him to action or thank Him for something. "Please let me pass this exam" or"God help me be a better person" or, like the most beautiful prayers I've ever heard, which are the prayers of The Lady, one of the spiritual masters of Miracle of Love. Her purpose in life, says Kalindi, is to teach the world to pray. If I can figure out how to download a recording, I'll post one of her prayers for you.

The fourth kind of prayer is my personal favorite. It is the prayer your soul is praying and you may not even know what the prayer is. I like this kind of prayer because it's scary, but exhilarating and it lead one into deep spiritual experiences. You can identify the prayer best when you look back at what happened in your life and say, "That must have been what I was praying for." This soul prayer brings many people to the Miracle of Love Seminar. It brought me to Kalindi and keeps me doing the work of finding union with God. What does your soul pray for?

Thank you for listening. God bless you...and your cat and your dog.

The Ten Yes's

The list of the Ten NO's from Kalindi is one of the clearest messages about consciousness I've ever read. It is a list of what not to do in order to have an extraordinary, rewarding, deeply happy life. In other words, If I didn't do any of these things -- THAT EVERYONE DOES -- I would not recognize myself and neither would anyone else. I think I would have to be free and in union with God to be able to live my life without any of these 10 NO's. Or maybe I could stop doing these things and become free and in union with God. I'm not sure how all that works, but here's the list:

The 10 NO's

NO assumption or speculation

NO hearsay

NO rumors

NO gossip

NO discouragement

NO judgments (about yourself or others)

NO negative thinking

NO wallowing

NO issues

NO complaining

I'm not the only one who likes this list. When I tell people about the 10 NO's, they almost always ask for a copy so they can post it at work. :-) The latest one was my brother, David, who's one of those excellent high school teachers you always remember the rest of your life. He teaches Physics and he posted this list for his students.

As much as I love the 10 NO's list, I'd like to now present a different version of the same list. This list is called The 10 DO's. This is the "glass half full" version of the 10 NO's and these points are usually discussed as the 10 NO's are being explained at the Seminar that Miracle of Love puts on. Here's my suggestion for the DO list:

The 10 DO's

DO ensure you have all the information before you decide something

DO validate your source of information before you pass it on

DO squash rumors

DO squash gossip

DO know that you can succeed

DO let go of judgments as fast as they come up

DO have a positive attitude

DO find a way to let go when you're sad

DO get to the deep feelings under the issues

DO keep your complaints to yourself

So that's my version of the 10 DO's from the 10 NO's. What do you think?